I went to church this morning by myself. No one was able to join me, and that’s okay, I had an amazing time with the Body of Christ.
God met me at church this morning as I knew He would. I knew the message was going to speak directly to my heart- I knew in my heart that I needed to be there... and He didn’t disappoint me.
Earlier this morning, during my Quiet Time, I was going through my Bible study: Untangle Your Emotions, by Jennie Allen. I was answering the question: “Tell about an experience you’ve had with overwhelming emotion” WOW! I filled the entire page and then some! I went up the side of the page after writing to the bottom of it - then had to write more on the previous page … I just started thinking about all the times in my life that I’ve experienced overwhelming emotions. There’s been quite a lot. My first thought is ALWAYS when my daughter left/ ran away the day after her 18th birthday. I seem to calculate life events with BSL and ASL “Before She Left” and “After She Left” / but, then I started thinking of all the times in my marriage when I’ve had overwhelming emotions. The list is long. And then I started going back further to my growing up years and this list was equally long … and after thinking about all of these moments in my life that I have experienced “overwhelming emotions”, well - I guess it all overwhelmed me.
Sitting there in the midst of those feelings I thought, “I don’t like this.” “Maybe this Bible study isn’t a good one.” “These feelings aren’t “good” feelings."
I ran away from feeling these feelings when they first happened, I most certainly didn’t want to sit in them now … I would much rather go to the three C’s (as I’ve learned from this study)
1. COPE 2. CONCEAL and 3. CONTROL.
Because in some seasons of life, we just can’t crumble. We can't fall apart, so, we turn to these 3 C’s.
Jennie Allen describes these reactions as: 1. Cope: we distract ourselves by turning to a favorite diversion for comfort or busyness. 2. Conceal: we stuff down that feeling and attempt to cover it up. and finally, 3. Control: we try our hardest to take charge of our situation or over others in the hopes of making everything a little more desirable, a little more manageable.
I will say I’ve gone to each one of these C’s at times, but the one I’m most comfortable with is #1. Cope.
"When we ‘cope’, we cannot deal with how we feel, so we go searching for an escape.
The list of coping mechanisms is nearly endless: procrastination, lethargy, and indulging in unhealthy amounts of food or alcohol, oversleeping, social isolation,
workaholism, online shopping, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and more." Jennie says her two personal favorites are binging shows on Netflix and eating vast quantities of queso with her best friends. I can relate. LOL - she then says, "As enjoyable as those things are, the relief they bring is momentary; the distraction and satisfaction is always short-lived, especially if you never deal with the thing beneath the thing."
Rarely do I or have I dealt with the thing beneath the thing.
Stepping back a bit, Jennie asks and answers a question: Where do emotions come from? They were built into us by a God who feels. We were designed by God to feel.
Through this Bible study Jennie writes that we’re going to discover so much about the way our God feels, and the way His people interact with Him through feelings - the way they change, grow, and are led.
“Our emotions have a purpose, and that purpose is connecting us to God and each other.”
Hmmm 🤔 I have to say that many times I don’t allow emotions to have the purpose they are designed to have.
When I “cope” or “conceal” and sometimes try to “control” as a response to overwhelming feelings, then, I’m not going to God and baring my soul expressing to Him how I feel. To express how I feel would mean having to acknowledge and actually “feel” those unpleasant overwhelming feelings- Same is true with “connecting with others.” I would rather draw inward, not outward. I’d rather stuff those emotions down deep somewhere and binge watch Netflix while binging on snacks and chocolate too / or binge read a book/ or crochet something fun … anything but actually having to feel the feels…
So, maybe, maybe this Bible study is exactly what God wants me to do. To learn how to process and feel overwhelming feelings the way He intended me to. To draw me closer to Him and connect me to others. Be it my best sister-friends- or my church family - or even my husband and/or children…
After I had been dwelling on overwhelming unpleasant moments throughout my life and just feeling overwhelmed with all the “overwhelm” then deciding that thinking about all of this is not productive and being overwhelmed needs to be dealt with the only ways I’ve really known: conceal for now. Cope later.
I then go to church. I was running late, and when I pulled into the parking lot and parked the car - I was about to turn off the engine, however, I was listening to The Message on Sirus radio - and a song by Phil Wickham was on, "This is our God" and I thought to myself, "this is such an amazing song, maybe I should just sit here and worship in my car". However, I decided to shut off the engine and get into church -
Sitting in the last row, I put my things down, and I realize the song that the worship team was singing was... "This is our God" ... WOW! God is so good that even the worship song I wanted to sing alone, was the song I was able to worship corporately .... sometimes, it's the little blessings like this that can just "wow" the soul.... The second song we sung was,
"The Goodness of God." I was singing the lyrics, "I love you Lord, for Your mercy never fails me, all my days I've been held in Your hands - from the moment that I wake up, until I lay my head, Oh I will sing of the Goodness of God, Cause all my life, You have been faithful, and all my life you have been so so good" - and the actual TRUTH of these lyrics just hit me- perhaps even overwhelmed me in the best way possible…and all I could do was weep. And praise Him!
I may have had many overwhelming experiences in my life over the years, however, God has always been with me- holding me through all of my moments... He has always been faithful to me, even when I am not in return, and He has always, ALWAYS been good to me. Even when I am overwhelmed - even when I'm trying to conceal or cope with my feelings and emotions. The good thing is, He loves me so much, He won't let me stay here, concealing and coping. He wants to deliver me - not just an emotional healing, but an emotional resurrection... teaching me how to deal with the thing beneath the thing.
Perhaps there aren't "good" and "bad" feelings - perhaps, there are simply just feelings that are meant to be felt, and responded to without sin - feelings meant to draw me closer to God and to others...
Oh, LORD, help me through this Bible study. Teach me how to deal with and how to feel my emotions as they come - help me to be honest, and don't let me deceive myself, I can be good at that sometimes. And please lead me and guide me in whatever direction You want me to go as I learn how You created emotions and how to experience all the feelings the way You've intended, without resorting to the three C's and avoiding the “F” word, FEELINGS.
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